Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
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