Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
