The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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