look no pants
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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