remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
