now i know why i became what i already was.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
