so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
