I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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