my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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