I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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