Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
