I think I died a long time ago.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
