hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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