I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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