It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
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