Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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