I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
