She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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