what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
