well I can't set my house on fire every night
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
