"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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