totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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