this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
