On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
