Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
