I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
