I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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