shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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