Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
