No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
