you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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