In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
