If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
