Soap is not a condiment
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize