My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
