true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
