I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
