I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
