life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
