Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
