So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
