i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
