our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
