I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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