Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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