btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
