You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
