if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Semen is not good for contacts.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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