I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
