my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
