sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
