Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
