I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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